I Swear I’m Not Always This Pissed…

I’ve been reading through my posts and it’s very clear that I’ve been dwelling too much on negativity. I can’t deny that this is a bloody obvious contributing factor to why my feelings are in a coma.

It doesn’t help that all I hear about in this country are stories that only make me want to dig a hole and live in it—two of which come to mind right now:

July 09, 2013:

Roula Yaacoub, a 33-year-old mother of five, was beaten to death by her husband in yet another case of domestic violence in Lebanon. Karam Bazzi (the said husband and another shining example of wasted carbon) had even been known to beat Roula and all five of her daughters on a regular basis. (Apparently women make great fleshy punching bags if you’re into that kind of thing?) The best part is that he was even released after his arrest by a judge, because why the hell not? (Fortunately, that decision was overturned by the prosecution after a storm of protests).

On the bright side, the tragedy that befell Yaacoub caused many people (and women’s rights groups especially) to push for new laws protecting women from domestic violence and abuse. Such a law was drafted a couple of weeks after her death, which is pretty efficient for a government that wouldn’t know “efficient” if it danced naked in front of them. Although this is a positive step in the right direction, I’m not sure how much actual good it’s going to do.

July 17, 2013:

A Muslim guy and Druze woman fell in love and got married against the wishes of her parents. Dude paid for his crime of interfaith adoration by falling victim to an ambush perpetuated by her relatives: He was severely beaten and, because that wasn’t enough, castrated. (Yeah, that actually happened). No one knows what became of the girl yet, and if this is how far they went to punish the man, I shudder to think what they could have done to her.

… … …

Then  there’s the constant talk of “instability” everywhere…the constant massacres in Syria…people dying by the tens in Egyptian protests…and the sheer abundance of stupid people saying stupid things. (That’s just one of them).

So…I just realized that when I started this blog post my intention was to change the course of the subject into something more uplifting. Obviously, the attempt failed miserably. You know, some people may find this surprising, but being optimistic was always second-nature to me. (True story!) Needless to say, it seems like it’s not like that anymore and I apologize to whoever’s reading and keeps finding downers in every post.

So I’ll take this moment to say that I’m making it a personal challenge from now on to try to find my happier “everything isn’t crappy always and forever amen” state, despite the stories that inundate me on a daily basis. Maybe my next post will be more personal and funny! Let’s see, shall we?

Wordless…

A rather popular and prolific blogger I recently happened upon wrote a post about writing, which I suggest you check out.

Now I know there are a million-and-a-half blog posts out there that talk about the same thing, but this one stuck with me because of this particular image:

I don’t think I can adequately describe just how badly I want to do this—to feel this. Instead, my words are crammed down into the bottom of my chest, just below my heart, and encased by a gnarly prison of ribs. Unable to move, scramble, scatter, escape or congregate in even the slightest semblance of coherence.

There’s a dull ache of confusion and sadness balled up in a giant clenched fist, rooted firmly where my heart is supposed to be.

I don’t know if this is depression…and I’m pretty sure it’s not. I’ve felt depressed before, and it wasn’t like this. (If anything, this is great news).

I wish I knew how to fight my way out of this constructively. No matter how good I feel in the daytime, the still hours of the night bring with them a fog of fidgety annoyance that expertly strangles my thoughts and clogs my emotions.

All I see ahead of me is an intricate web of roads, and I can’t make heads or tails of any of them.

Where do I go from here?